Meghan Daum (in response to the Atlantic article by Lori Gottlieb):
".... I don't really blame Gottlieb for the premise; she's merely reflecting the values of her culture. And I don't mean the affluent, urban, progressive culture suggested by the details she provides about her romantic quandaries. I'm talking about the way baby hunger has become such a consumer force in this country that some women want a baby in the same way they want a Louis Vuitton bag because they've been told to want one.
Most people eventually want to become parents. But in the 21st Century, there is no good reason to see childbearing as an inevitable extension of a committed partnership or even as an ordained personal ambition. Instead, we need to view it for what it is: a profoundly important and difficult job that should be undertaken only by those who have the will and temperament to do it.
Because we're biologically programmed to take on that job -- or at least fill out the application -- it's unlikely we'll run out of humans. And by all means, if you're truly listening to yourself rather than buying society's relentless parenthood sales pitch, have a child, find a mate or both.
But when it comes to Gottlieb's case for "settling" -- for doing that at all costs -- I can't help but wonder if what's missing from the prototypical unhappy single woman's life isn't a man or a baby but an imagination. There are infinite ways to define a fulfilling life. Why enshrine the one whose accompanying illustration shows a marriage certificate and a baby stroller? Talk about settling."
So now I'm going to read the Gottlieb article after reading so much about it..... hmm. Well now that I've actually read it I agree with a lot of it. In fact I think I should send this to my single brother, who is 32, very handsome and has a job he loves (as a detective!). Knowing myself I really don't think that I would have accepted not becoming a mother -either biologically or by adoption. Even when I was in my early 20's I felt a really strong pull to be a Mom - I couldn't imagine then or now having a fulfilled life without becoming a Mother. I was settled in my career by that point and was sick of dating and tired of the never ending focus on SELF. ( I guess I wasn't in a voluteer/activist mode at that point). Anyone who knew me at the time could honestly say I settled for the wrong guy 'status-wise', but I was totally in love and quite naive. Even with the tears and drama of a divorce now in retrospect I can say I'm glad it happened this way. Its nice to point out now that women don't have to become mothers to have a fulfilling life, but I think that a very large majority of women desire this experience not just because of the social or status reasons - its certainly biological but also more than that. Its your investment in the future, a loving intimacy and history that you'll share with a child. Its about love. Its about experiencing childhood again. Its a herculian and yes, imaginative lifelong effort. A challenge that I would not personally choose to miss out on and have been blessed not to have faced that ticking-clock situation.
Hence - the compromises she discusses.
"They believe that part of the problem is that we grew up idealizing marriage—and that if we’d had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. Instead, we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family.
All marriages, of course, involve compromise, but where’s the cutoff? Where’s the line between compromising and settling, and at what age does that line seem to fade away? "
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